I took this picture of a little girl at the Roman amphitheater in Amman, Jordan in March. She was so interested in our little group, western women with big cameras, she kept coming back to stand and look up at us in wonder again and again, her young mother apologizing in broken English. A simple moment that has stayed with me.

Every year I dread Mother's Day, there are so many ways that I am saddened by it. I have a sister and many friends who are mothers and I can celebrate for them, but only to a certain extent. For most of my life I completely rejected the idea of becoming a mother, terrified that I would be anything like my own and unable to risk subjecting an innocent to that. When I managed to get beyond that I was fighting my own biology and missed whatever open window I might have had. I know that I am very lucky and have a life that many envy, but there is always something missing, a feeling of failure and loneliness that is so deep it can overwhelm me, even five years after the end of the battle.

My relationship with my mother seems to be starting to improve ever so slightly, although I am only able to handle her in small doses still. I sent her a CD of my pictures from Jordan, she likes to boast about me and my travels to anyone who will listen, even though she would not usually say anything to me. Today when I made the obligatory call she surprised me by saying something to the effect that I had taken some fabulous pictures and she really enjoyed them. This is significant -- she didn't say I went to fabulous places, instead she gave me credit for the photography. A subtle distinction but one that was not lost on me.

Aubrey is doing great, I don't know who is luckier in this match, her or me. The only behaviour we need to work on is she gets defensive and will lunge and snap at Tucker when she feels he is either infringing on her space or her food. For a dog who was out on the streets fending for herself a few weeks ago she is remarkably trusting and sweet, I can't expect her to not have any issues. Both of us have taken turns bringing her to work and she's become very popular, making friends and impressing everyone with her personality and her manners. Although the feelings of dealing with the loss of Bailey are still raw, it does help to know we saved a life.

I continue to struggle with what to do about my mare. It's become clear, after nearly a year at my "new" job, that my schedule is not going to allow me to get down to my barn during the week. I think the best solution would be to find someone to lease her during the week, that way she could maintain the level of riding she needs to make progress and I could offset some of the costs of having to pay for lessons at another barn. Unfortunately, if you recall, my "contract" (and I use the term loosely) prohibits me from selling, leasing or giving her away. What do other owners do when their circumstances change and they can no longer ride their own horse?