This past week has been an emotional rollercoaster and I have been down many paths. I'm not exactly sure how all of this will pan out but I do know this: Missy isn't the right horse for me. I haven't been having any fun with her, just a lot of frustration and anxiety.

I have been struggling with this decision for a while now. I love my mare to pieces but after three years I am still struggling and we really haven't made any progress since I got back on her after I broke my shoulder last year, which has been six months. Most of the time my trainer gives her Ace just so she is safe enough for me to ride her. I have a very strong objection to that, but I guess they have a liability issue to think about.

I took ownership of her when her last owner moved away and couldn't take her with them. She was born at my barn and they didn't want to sell her, so they gave her to me and I took over her board. In exchange they got her back under saddle (she hadn't been ridden in a couple of years), comped my lessons and helped me a great deal. This is all within six months of me starting to ride from scratch! The deal I thought I made was, if it didn't work out I could give her back but I couldn't sell her. More on the contract in a minute.

She has two full sisters on the property and they are both unrideable for long periods of time for different reasons, one for temperament and the other for lameness issues. So I have that to look forward to. I almost gave her up about a year ago, but then in March I fell at the mounting block and broke my left shoulder, then she got a very bad leg infection and was down almost as long as I was. We just never really recovered from all that down time. I am bored in the arena and Miss is too spooky to ride anywhere else. I want to be able to ride somewhere and back, A to B, instead of in a circle.

Having made this heart-wrenching decision to give her back so I could move forward and get a different horse, I sent my trainer an email telling her the high level points and we spoke on the phone the next day. She felt strongly that now was not the time to give up, we hadn't had any consistency due to weather and my schedule, all the while sounding very positive and promising to put in the time and effort necessary to make this happen. I tried to tell her, choking back the tears, that I could not make the time commitment of the several days a week (plus weekends) that it would take to get us back to where we were before the accident. She didn't seem to be hearing anything I said, so the best I could do was to tell her I needed to think about it and hung up the phone before the sobbing took over.

I spent the next few days finding what I thought were good candidates for my next horse, only to be told that each one had issues that would make them bad choices, shaking my confidence even further. I do appreciate the expert opinions I have received, don't get me wrong, its just hard to hear "you don't want this".

During the conversation with my trainer she was saying how difficult it was to find a good home for a horse you care about and I'm thinking -- that's your problem, not mine -- but it did seem strange to me that she even mentioned that. The next morning I re-read my contract and understood her remarks. What the contract actually says is -- if she becomes injured or unrideable they will take her back and retire her; and if she turns out not be the right horse for me they will help me find another home for her. So I have a horse that needs more work than I have the skill or time to train, who is often unsound, who I am financially responsible for without the ability to lease or sell. I think that is the definition of screwed. I know that I willingly signed this contract, but I find it unconscionable that they would pair a green rider with a green horse, let alone set up a situation where I took care of their problem but I ended up with no out, even though it seemed like a no-brainer safe bet for me. Both my husband and I both remembered the deal the same, that I could give her back, but of course all I have now is the piece of paper with our signatures on it.

I went down to the barn today and it was uncomfortable to say the least. My trainer tells me about a TB/QH gelding owned by another trainer for sale that is bomb-proof, blind in one eye but otherwise healthy, ridden mostly Western but didn't seem to care about the English saddle the one time she rode him. She was going to present him as a candidate for the husband of another owner but would hold off on doing that if I wanted to take a look at him. I couldn't believe my ears -- she was literally talking about a husband-safe horse. I told her I didn't think I needed a beginner horse, a dead-broke petting zoo pony but she didn't really say anything in response.

Now I'm totally confused. I thought I was a decent rider. Not great by a long shot but she's been telling me for three years I was doing well. So either she's been lying to me or she doesn't understand what I am looking for.

I think I need to step away from my barn and my trainer a little bit and get a second opinion. The only way to get my confidence back is to be able to ride, and the only way I'm going to be able to do that with any consistency is to take lessons at a barn close to where my office is. I'm going to check out a place on Monday, so wish me luck.