If Wishes Were Horses

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

2011-08-06T21:21:00.000-07:00

So much has happened since my last post. Here are the major bullet points:

I moved Miss to a new barn.
I had lasik surgery for the second time on both eyes.
I bought a new car (well, new to me).

I'm guessing you're most interested in the first point, so here's the rest of that story: about six months ago my trainer Willow starts to go on trail rides with the guy who ponies the foals and works with the difficult horses (they aren't a couple). Owner of the barn takes offense to this and eventually bans the guy from the property, even though he was bringing in business. She is so jealous that the trainer is spending time with him instead of her she starts to make her life hell, talking behind her back, spreading lies, accusing her of everything from stealing tack to charging for services never rendered. Then Willow was involved in a car accident in which the other party was killed, she was unhurt. Her vehicle was impounded, and she was questioned at the scene and released. When the owner found out about the accident the next day, she took that opportunity to fire Willow, saying she was mentally unstable and she didn't want her around her horses. Completely unbelievable, and probably illegal. Then the owner starts calling all Willow's clients and contacts, telling them she will be charged with murder and that she is going to jail, and calls all the other barns in the area and tells them the same thing and not to let her train at their properties. Willow has worked at this barn for 15 years and she's only 32. How you can treat someone like that I don't know, she has no compassion or even common sense. As if the poor woman doesn't have enough on her mind with the investigation and just living with the fact that she caused someone's death, now the rest of her world falls apart. The owner alienated everyone who is or has ever trained with this trainer, to the point where it was intolerable to even be at the barn.

Within 48 hours the owners of 8 horses, including myself, had given notice after Willow found a wonderful barn that would take all of us at once. A total of 15 horses ended up leaving, the rest went to other barns, which equates to the owner losing well over $100,000 in annual income. When I showed up to oversee her being hauled to the new facility the owner was convinced that the contract I had with her prohibited me from taking Miss off the property. Fortunately I had a copy of the bill of sale (which wasn't even with her) and a copy of the contract, which did NOT say that. It says a lot of other crap but it doesn't say I can't move her. In the face of irrefutable evidence she was forced to concede that I did own the horse and did have the right to take her but blamed Willow for not including that clause in the contract 4 years ago. Blaming right until the end!

As I mentioned the new barn is lovely, and just happens to be a lot closer for me, but it is primarily a dressage training facility and doesn't quite feel like home yet. After being stuck in an arena all her life I'm sure it will take Miss a while to adjust to trails and an open covered arena but I am hopeful this will be a good new beginning for us both. She is making faster progress than I could have ever hoped and I'm very proud of us both!

The lasik surgery went well, much less traumatic than the first time in November 2009. My vision is still adjusting but I am glad I did it, my distance vision had deteriorated from 20/20 to 25/30 and the surgeon was concerned that my eyes were changing at different rates. Fixing my distance vision has also made my near vision better, but I know that will eventually settle back to needing reading glasses.

I have been thinking of replacing my 2001 VW Jetta for a while now, not because I don't love her or because she is having issues, but rather due to the fact she has nearly 200,000 miles on her and I wanted to avoid having to pay more than she's worth to have her fixed the next time something big does go wrong. I decided on a 2008 Mini Cooper Clubman S, Hot Chocolate Metallic with yummy milk chocolate-colored leather interior. It was a corporate lease return and only has 12,000 miles on her, looks and feels brand new. I LOVE it, so much fun to drive.

Pictures of all of the above are below.

The "mare motel" where Missy's stall is.

Full-size dressage court.

Enormous covered arena with sound system and lights.

My girl at dinner.

Eyes post-surgery and new bangs.

May Days

2011-05-15T22:22:00.000-07:00

Since I wasn't able to ride today due to a heavy downpour last night, I took advantage of the freshness of the day and took a few shots at the farm. I find that if I always keep my camera bag in the car I take more pictures -- sometimes the answer is so simple!

I've been able to ride Miss more in the last six weeks than any time I can remember, and the progress is obvious. There is a fine line with her, you have to work her consistently to keep her mentally in check, but you can't work her too hard or she falls apart physically. It seems three times a week is the magic number.

Unfortunately someone else will need to pick up the weekday rides as I have finally landed a job. (Yay!) In fact, I applied for this same job a year ago and they hired someone else, who just resigned due to "cultural fit" issues. Hmphf. They could have saved themselves and me a year of misery, but I will try not to hold it against them.

This will be the largest company I've ever worked for by far, some 40,000 employees worldwide, and that may take some getting used to. I had another opportunity at a pre-IPO start-up but I felt that there was at least a 50/50 chance that they would be acquired before they went public. I've been down that road before and decided it was worth it to join the Big Fish Company than risk another Little Fish. Although I'm sure there will be more redtape that I would like, I will also enjoy the many benefits including restaurant-quality cafeterias, inexpensive on-site gym facilities and many others. They were voted the #16 company in the US to work for by Fortune in 2010.

For now this is a contractor position, but that is generally how they bring people onboard as getting approval for a full-time regular employee is a long process. My medical/dental coverage is already through my husband's company so that isn't an issue, and I am technically an employee of the agency that placed me, so I will have taxes withheld and won't have to deal with making estimated payments and paying the additional self-employment taxes.

Most importantly, my new boss is the antithesis of my last one. I haven't work for a man in a long time but honestly I think it will be easier. I've asked around and everyone has said I couldn't ask for a better advocate or manager, and from the few times I've met with him I am hopeful. He's very easy to talk to (even in an interview), funny, hands-off but supportive and generally a very normal person who seems to genuinely care about his team.

I've been staying at the house in the mountains but now that I have to travel for work every day again I am going back to my little cottage to stay during the week. I've cleared out the weeds and debris from the winter in my garden and am looking forward to making it a colorful oasis once again.

Rhinos & Winged Wonders

2011-04-24T17:00:00.000-07:00

I'm still unemployed but have been averaging about one interview a week, a fact I am not taking for granted. So far there is only one job that I actually want, but I think I have a very good chance of getting that one, it's just an incredibly long and frustrating process, both for the applicants and the companies. The severance money is holding out fine but at times I find myself terribly depressed and unable to enjoy the time off.

I have been able to ride more in the last couple of weeks but without my weekly lesson I find I am not making any progress, another frustration.

At least there are plenty more Africa photos to share with you!

A foursome of white rhinos consisted of two females and their calves at a watering hole, who were curious enough to come within 10 to 15 feet of the vehicle. They have poor eyesight but very good hearing and wanted to check us out, their cupped ears rotating like satellite dishes on the tops of their heads.

White rhinos have a large hump on their back while their cousins the black rhino do not, but both animals are actually gray. Their coloring has more to do with what kind of mud they have been rolling in! Also, the Dutch settlers differentiated the two species by the shapes of their mouths, the flat shovel-like mouth of the white rhino evolved to help them pick up food on the ground. The Dutch word for wide is "wije", which was mistranslated as "white".

These calves are about a year old; they will stay with their mothers until they are weaned at about two years of age. Doesn't it look like a little tank?

I'm quite sure this isn't a Monarch butterfly, more likely a smaller African cousin.

Now I know where the idea for the Stealth Bomber came from!

This stunning moth sports twin heads of either snakes or birds of prey on its wings.

(Click to enlarge the photos)

Out of Africa

2011-03-27T17:23:00.000-07:00

I've been home for a couple of weeks but I'm still not feeling fully reintegrated into my life. Perhaps that's because I haven't been working and haven't even been worrying much about finding a new job. I've been on a few interviews but I'm feeling very cautious after my last experience, I want to make sure that it feels right emotionally to me before I accept any offer.

I also haven't been able to ride much, in fact I've only ridden Missy once since I returned from my trip due to constant storms. In addition, the trainer who does my lessons during the week is taking a break from teaching for a while so I lost the only covered arena available to me.

Trying to relate four weeks in Africa is a daunting task, even with literally thousands of photographs to refer to. You can't capture with a camera the scent of wildflowers across the savannah, the sound of Zulu schoolchildren singing or the softness of a cheetah's fur. I will do my best and include what I think will be interesting to others without being too self-indulgent.

Most of the month was spent at a camp that was originally a hunting lodge, called Inthebane (in-ta-bonn), which means "warthog" in Zulu. This camp was part of a sprawling 14,000 acre private game reserve which also included a base camp where some 80 staff lived and a 5-star resort, I got to visit both. The reserve is approximately three hours northwest of Durban, in eastern South Africa. There are no fences once inside the reserve so game was able to come into the camp at will, which they often did. Herds of impala and wildebeest as well as a family of warthog with seven piglets were our daily companions. A set of 18 month-old lion triplets, two males and a female, were often in camp as well. Sometimes we saw them and sometimes we could only hear them, but we got used to their presence while maintaining a healthy dose of respect. It's amazing what can become normal in a very short period of time.

The first week was spent in an intensive workshop with a professional photographer from South Africa. Although I did learn a lot, the volunteers felt like the course was geared towards the one member of the group who wanted to become a professional, even though we had been asked for and provided in advance our level of experience, our goals and the equipment we were bringing. What was most frustrating was when it counted the most, when we were out in the bush sitting in front of a pride of lions trying to take the best photographs we could, we were completely ignored while he went about the business of trying to get his own shots. Needless to say we all provided a lot of feedback on the course evaluation form and had a lot of fun at his expense after he left.

Here's some shots from the first week, click to enlarge (see more at my photoblog).

My home away from home, a private chalet with a hot shower and air conditioning.

View from the main lodge.

Gorgeous giant grasshopper.

Sunrise on our first game drive.

Male impala.

Two of the triplets.

Their daddy, the alpha male of both prides on the reserve, sleeps while his daughter hunts.

Art Murmur

2011-01-23T11:15:00.000-08:00

I've been working on a photography blog, a place to show my favorite and best shots in a format better suited to large photo files. While there aren't that many pictures up there yet I wanted to share the link with you all and invite you to check back often as I will be posting pictures from Africa there as well as here.

Introducing Art Murmur. Let me know what you think.

The Long Way

2011-01-23T11:07:00.000-08:00

I've never been one to take shortcuts. When I have gone against my better judgement and tried to save time I've become lost, literally or metaphorically. The process of becoming a horsewoman has re-emphasized the need to take my time in order to be safe and successful.

I've been able to ride Miss the last two weekends and decided not to take a lesson, I wanted to be able to take things slow and pay attention to how she was responding to me. She hadn't been ridden in a while so of course Willow wants to give her a shot of Ace. I told her, I think we'll be fine. Several more times she offered to give her a shot and each time I politely declined. I've always felt very strongly that if she has to be drugged, she shouldn't be ridden.

I lunged her for a long time, letting her set the pace, and she galloped and galloped and snorted and bucked and got all that pent-up energy out. Then I hand-walked her for a long time, and when her breathing was back to normal I got on and walked some more. She trotted quietly and we worked on stopping in the center of the arena. Willow was doing a lesson in the arena next to where we were and at one of those moments when we were standing in the center she yells over to us, "Missy has matured so much, she's so much calmer now!" It was all I could do not to roll my eyes. I realized that the reason Willow still thinks that Miss is difficult to ride and still wants to take so many precautions is because she takes shortcuts. She wants the same results you would get by patiently going through all the steps but without the effort. I also realized that even though Willow has known and ridden Miss her whole life, to her she is just one of many horses. She's never owned her own horse, she hasn't needed to, with so many horses at her disposal she's been able to do everything she ever wanted, including competing in a few different disciplines, using other people's horses.

While I have gained a lot of technical knowledge by taking lessons on many different horses, having my own horse has taught me the invaluable lesson of patience and how important having a personal relationship is between horse and rider. I'd like to think that Miss does what I ask of her because she wants to, instead of doing what Willow asks of her because she has to.

I took the picture above on our honeymoon, we camped for the night in the field next to these horses' corral and the next morning a balloon hovered overhead. I've always felt this was an omen leading me to horses.

Preparation

2011-01-06T22:56:00.000-08:00

I'm simultaneously preparing for an end and a beginning. That's usually the way it is when you leave a job, which I've done many times, but this is the first time that I'm not preparing for a new job or even for the immediate foray into an intense job search. This time I'm preparing for a journey of epic proportions to the other side of the world. I believe humanity migrated out of Africa to populate the rest of the globe, which makes it the very cradle of civilization, the literal mother land. As the date looms closer, less than a month away, I'm feeling serene and completely sure of this decision.

Let me get one thing straight: I'm not brave. Or spontaneous, or rich. What I am is determined, willing, and hopeful. I'm very aware that opportunities like this where one has both the time and the money to take a month off are few and far between. The fact that this is a conservation project makes it affordable and meaningful. A lot of planning and thought went into choosing the place and the activity, but the timing was arbitrary, which presented a bit of a challenge but ultimately narrowed the possibilities and made the decision-making process easier.

I think I'm pretty much ready.

I bought this carry-on bag specifically designed for camera equipment and a laptop but which looks like a regular carry-on. It's solidly built and very light, and the base comes off.

I also got this backpack for carrying my camera gear on daily excursions. It's also very light and comfortable, and holds an amazing amount of stuff for how small it is, including a new telephoto lens.

I've been breaking in these Ariat hiking boots, which of course are amazingly comfortable and light -- can't beat Ariat boots! Especially with Thorlo padded socks. A few pairs of walking shorts, a great mesh hat and some eco-friendly tshirts and I'm half-way packed already.

I'm flying direct from San Francisco to Dubai on Emirates Airlines, a 15-hour flight but at least the plane is huge, new and has a lounge. I have a long layover in Dubai and plan to visit the Burj Khalifa, the tallest tower in the world, which just happens to be right next to an enormous mall that contains not only a ridiculous selection of stores but also an aquarium. Then a 8-hour flight to Durban, where I spend a night at a charming B&B recommended by the project before being picked up the following morning for the 4-hour drive to the private game reserve.

I fully intend to spend one of my four free weekends riding, preferably on the beach overlooking the Indian Ocean. I was thinking at my lesson last night that I need to spend more time in the saddle just riding. I love my lessons and my riding group but I'm back at a point now where I want some freedom, to be riding for the pure joy of it without thinking every second about the last set of instructions. I've come to a place where its not only not selfish to think of myself first, it is essential.

Simple Gifts

2010-12-31T21:02:00.000-08:00

The local dog beach is one of my favorite places on earth. The unbridled joy of running free on the sand and in the water is intoxicating for both canines and their owners. The beach is a finite space, there are cliffs behind and on each end, giving urban dogs a rare chance to be off-leash outdoors without man-made barriers. My little girl loves loves LOVES the beach, she is very fast and gives me ample opportunities to practice my high-speed photography skills, which will come in handy for capturing cheetahs soon. She's also not shy and has absolutely no idea that she is a small dog. She's confident but not aggressive, playful, smart and generally the life of the party. I want to be just like her when I grow up.

The light was amazing that day, as the sun lowered in the sky the ocean turned into molten metal, a sea of mercury, and the dogs all became pitch black.

The last picture is of our new family member, Taiko. He's a two year-old Gordon Setter mix, a long-legged gentle soul just coming out of his awkward puppy stage, also a rescue from a local shelter. He lives with my husband at the house in the mountains and Aubrey's with me at the cottage during the week, and we're all together on weekends. She bosses him around and chases him around and around the big oak tree in their yard, but he's very tolerant and gentle with her. He's very cuddly and affectionate, another very special creature, he's helping to heal the grief of losing Tucker so suddenly.

I haven't done much riding lately but what I have done has been fun and fulfilling. I'm looking forward to better weather and the end of my tenure at Soon To Be Ex-Company at the end of January.

This year has been extremely difficult and extremely wonderful in big dollops. I have to say I wouldn't have it any other way.

Still Life

2010-12-18T23:39:00.000-08:00

Our neighbors own an electrical company and use their home as a showcase for new and interesting lighting effects, often bringing clients there and hosting parties. This is their latest addition: a herd of custom-made sheetmetal horses.

They are life-size and magnificent, with individual spotlights embedded in the ground next to each horse for maximum effect when viewed in the dark.

During the day they are no less awe-inspiring. I'll have to invite myself to their next party and try to capture their stunning beauty under the lights.

At Liberty

2010-12-05T19:10:00.000-08:00

Photo credit: Jean-Francois Leblanc

This week I was lucky enough to see Cavalia for the first time. I think my expectations were a little bit too high, as it wasn't the experience of a lifetime that I wanted, the continuity in the second half was a problem and a couple of times there were no horses on stage at all during long trapeze numbers. Having said that, I would still recommend it to horse people and non-horse people alike, just to see the "at liberty" work. We all know how difficult it is to gain the trust of a horse and to successfully pass on our wishes using all the aids at our disposal. This is Sylvia Zerbini and part of her group of 9 Arabians. She was able to control them with just her voice and a very small whip, used for directionality only. At one point she had 4 of them cantering in a circle clockwise and the other 4 cantering in a circle counter-clockwise inside the other circle. At the beginning and end of the show I saw, two six-month old colts wandered into the performance space by themselves and playfully and gently frolic with each other and the horse toys strewn about the stage, seemingly without noticing the lights, the music or the hundreds of people watching them. Another piece showcases a single dancer and a white Andalusian playing in and around a shallow pool of water -- they might as well have been a wood nymph and a unicorn -- truly magical. This amazing work is worth the (hefty) price of admission.

The recent bad weather has made riding Missy on the weekends a hit-and-miss proposition, but at least she is being worked during the week. Every time I get the chance to ride her I am cantering, so that's a step in the right direction. She is so uneven and crooked and falls out of it easily, but at least we're doing it. My lessons during the week have made this possible, I am so grateful for my trainer and for the wonderful group of women I share her with. We all went to see Cavalia together then the next night had some fun doing poses while we cantered around in a circle together.

How did it get to be less than 60 days until I leave for South Africa? So much to do. I'm just trying to get through each work day one at a time and avoid completely freaking out about my decisions.

Where the Wild Things Are

2010-11-27T13:02:00.000-08:00

Safari. Africa. Two words that evoke a myriad of images and emotions. This is where I will be spending four glorious weeks, the entire month of February 2011, in the north east corner of South Africa, on a private game reserve. My only job will be to show up each morning with my camera gear and my sense of adventure.

I have no idea where I will end up after I return from Africa. Seldom does one have the time and the money to take a month off and I wasn't about to squander it sending out resumes and waiting for the phone to ring.

No matter. Since I made the decision to leave the environment has been much better, since my manager got the mandate from her manager to avoid pissing me off, lest I walk out and demand the severance package without fulfulling my extended notice period.

The project is run by a conservation organization that uses the photographs of the volunteers in their efforts to educate the world and the local population. These images are from the September project volunteer portfolio.

I continue to make lemonade from the lemons.

Forever Young

2010-11-14T19:44:00.000-08:00

Still reeling from the loss of Bailey in March, we lost Tucker Friday afternoon. We knew he was 11, we knew he was old dog, but he didn't know it, and he was a puppy to the end. He never got gray, or crippled, or stopped jumping for joy or playing ball with the intensity of an Olympic athlete. In fact he played ball with abandon on Thursday evening, as it should be. He was gone within 8 hours of showing any signs of distress, so he didn't suffer. For that we are grateful, but it was so fast, so shocking, so unbelievable...I still can't wrap my head around it. He passed at the vet's office and we went there to say goodbye on Saturday morning. I didn't get the chance to do that with Bailey and I felt it was important to see him and stroke his beautiful red coat one more time. Some might think that strange or morbid, but, as difficult as it was, it was helpful. And it was all we had.

We would walk along the sidewalk above the beach with them, Bailey on D's left and Tucker between us on my left, a formidable phalanx of four. Countless people stopped to comment on their good manners and their beauty and to ask if they could pet them. Countless more said nothing but smiled at the sight of them, and we always joked we should charge $1 per smile. Tucker's favorite place on earth was the dog park across the street from the beach. We never brought a ball, we would just let him loose and he would always find one, that's how I think of him, like in this picture, resting on a bench at the dog park with a found ball, just waiting for someone to throw it for him. He's worn paths through the trees on either side of the driveway, the ball-throwing routes across the property. He was the definition of Golden Retriever -- sweet, smart, playful, polite, loyal, athletic. He was loved beyond measure and radiated happy. Right up to the end.

Channelling William Shatner

2010-10-17T20:36:00.000-07:00

In keeping with the rebel spirit that has been 2010, I now have three essential negotiations going on at the same time.

Since July I've been in negotiations with my husband on where to live and when we live together again. He doesn't want to move, I couldn't live where we were any more so now I have my little cottage but we live apart during the week. Recently I asked him what his plan was and he wants to wait until the spring to see how the real estate market is before putting the house on the market. Our realtor told us if we didn't get it on the market by September to wait until March, but the choice to wait was made by inaction, which is highly disappointing.

My trainer has finally started a dialogue with the property owner to see what kind of deal we can work out in order for me to keep Missy, I'm hoping they will agree to a half lease. In my mind this is a perfect solution, she will get ridden more consistently during the week, I will keep my current schedule of riding on the weekends and my expenses will be cut in half. The trick is finding someone acceptable to all of us, which may take some time, but at least there is some movement happening.

Two weeks ago I had a huge argument with my manager, something that's happened about every six to eight weeks since I started working for her in June 2009. This one ended in an ultimatum: she said I had one week to tell her whether I thought this was "going to work or not", because she wasn't going to change. After three days I scheduled a meeting with her and called her bluff. For the first time in my life, I quit a job without having another one lined up. I had just had it, I dreaded coming to work every day, I had the title and responsibilities of a manager but no authority, and I had to report literally everything I did to her in real time. That was on a Friday, on Monday she came back with the promise of a severance package if I would agree to stay for three more months. I told her I would have to know what the offer was before I could agree to anything, and I hadn't planned on staying that long so it better be worth my while. Obviously after she got over being pissed off from our argument she realized how much she needs me in order to complete the project we've been working on for the last six months on time. It took a week for her to come back with the numbers, which she told me on Friday. It's a decent offer, more than what I was expecting. I would love to just walk away and leave them in the lurch but that isn't very reasonable or responsible. At this point I really have no choice, I will take their offer knowing that I can still leave at any time if I find another job before the end of January. I'm also going to make it clear to her, her boss and HR that if she continues to maintain the hostile work environment that has been the norm, I WILL leave and I WILL get the severance package as well. This New Donna can be quite formidable.

Aubrey is doing fine, she seems none the worse for her adventure last weekend, if she remembers it at all. I had to bathe her three times, the last with Gojo grease hand cleaner, to get her head clean.

Crisis Management

2010-10-11T21:38:00.000-07:00

Last night I came back to the cottage as usual and let Aubrey outside. I was busy doing whatever and after a little while I thought to go outside and check on her, I hadn't heard her or seen her for maybe 15 minutes and she wasn't coming when I called her. I was shocked to see her body sticking out from under the fence in her dog run, seems my silly little dog was chasing some critter and tried to fit through a drainage hole embedded in cement. Of course I didn't know that at the time and I thought I could just pull her free. I tried, the neighbor tried and finally I decided it was time to call 911. The nice policeman tried and then he called the fire department. I was so afraid they were going to break her neck or she was going to suffocate! She was very brave. Me, not so much. More than an hour and 4 professionals later, they finally freed her, but I was shocked again to see a filthy, rusty tin can lodged tightly around her neck. Thankfully it had not cut her, although I'm sure her neck will be sore for a while. It was exactly like one of those stories you see on the news, happy ending and all. Today I stayed home from work, bathed her (again) and fixed the fence, putting up sheet metal over that hole and another one I found. At the time I felt a little strange calling 911 but both the police and fire departments were very concerned and took it seriously.

This is the hole her head was stuck in, after a fence board was removed and some of the concrete was chipped away, it's about 4 inches across.

This is the rusty old coffee can that someone was using as a drainage pipe, the reason she couldn't get her head back out of the hole.

Here you can see where the can was wedged around her neck, a fireman cut it off with tin snips.

She was filthy from all the goop they put on her to try to help her get free, after two baths the back of her head is still greasy.

Goals and Aspirations

2010-10-03T22:49:00.000-07:00

Whisper at twilight, a new friend from the new barn.

Rising Rainbow mentioned my "horse goals" in her last comment. I honestly don't know what those are, which obviously makes it nearly impossible to achieve them. I feel like my equestrian journey has moved in fits and starts, derailed by injury, doubt and my own ignorance.

Since my aunt told me that she thought Missy had a back problem I've been doing research and talking to local experts at my disposal. I've come to believe that she doesn't have an issue with her back, but rather that what my aunt was seeing was a combination of an overweight mare who has never been taught to collect, who doesn't engage her hindquarters except at a full gallop and has had far too little asked of her. The property owner and trainer don't ask much of their horses or their students, including me. Many times my lesson has lasted 30 minutes or less, in an effort to "end on a good note" and to ensure that it was a good experience for both horse and rider. While I applaud this attitude in theory, in practice (for me) it has been stagnating.

Thanks to my new trainer, for the first time in my life I can now say that I've been "galloping Donna", as I pushed my gorgeous black Thoroughbred lesson horse Potter past the canter at the end of Wednesday's lesson. I didn't need to be told my technique was correct, I could feel my legs had just the right amount of contact and my seat felt secure, but it was incredibly satisfying to hear her say that was the best she's seen me canter, that I don't pitch forward anymore and my hands stayed quiet.

I'm rambling a bit...I guess my thinking is that after 4 years I'm just now feeling strong enough and good enough to be able to branch out into other disciplines and really discover what I like and what I don't like. Only after I've tried many more different disciplines and activities will I be able to set some goals, perhaps multiple goals. Giddy up.

Courage

2010-09-20T20:46:00.001-07:00

I spent the last three days at Lake Tahoe, and spent a lot of time alone (by design). I have many thoughts and images to share but time is short this evening. I bought this tin sign at a classic car show on the California/Nevada border; I'm not sure where it will be hung up but I just couldn't not buy it.

Cottage Industry

2010-09-13T21:21:00.000-07:00

At my cottage I have a tiny private patio and a little strip of garden to call my own. When I moved in there were 6-foot weeds of various descriptions, dead plants with stringy far-reaching roots, rocks and sticks and a sad aura of neglect.

Now it looks like this. It's not much but I did it myself and I love it and that's all that matters.

Hopefully this Princess Flower will bloom before it gets too cold, it's in the middle between the purple fountain grass and the Spanish lavender. Coming outside in the evening and smelling the rosemary and lavender makes me happy, as does the simple task of watering.

I have some additional opinions and thoughts of my own to share on Missy but for now I'll just leave you with the flowers and the promise of more.

Second Opinion

2010-09-07T20:06:00.000-07:00

My aunt came to visit me this weekend for the first time. We visited her several years ago when she had a small ranch in Reno, breeding, raising and showing Arabians. I took the opportunity to have her look at Missy and give me her opinions. I was a bit nervous, having a professional horsewoman watch me tack her up, lounge and finally ride her, but of course she is also my aunt and was very kind and chose her words carefully. She watched me walk, sit the trot and post, then asked me to trot her in a tight circle in both directions. After watching for about 10 minutes she had me jump off and ran her hands over her hind legs. "She has a problem in her lower back," she said. "I can't tell where the problem is exactly, but it's the left side, that's why she sometimes doesn't pick up the right lead on that side, why she kicks out on the lounge line and why she gets abcesses in this hoof." She told me she was in pain, sometimes more than others. I was stunned.

Then she started watching my trainer, who was riding a young warmblood in the arena next to us. She said that although she was riding the mare fairly well, she wasn't training the horse to do anything, and her hands were way too busy for how well the horse was going.

Now I am questioning everything. I really don't want to ride a horse that is in pain, either from an injury or a conformational issue. Is there a way that a vet could actually diagnose a back problem, with x-ray or MRI or some other test? I'm never going to convince these people that Missy should be retired, but if I can get another opinion from an unimpeachable source maybe they will do the right thing.

The next morning I sobbed and sobbed as I thought about both losing this mare and keeping her, knowing that I may be causing her pain. I drove myself down to the barn and tearfully spoke to my trainer, telling her I could no longer afford to pay for all of Miss's expenses, and that I wanted to do the best thing for both me and her but I didn't know how to do that. Willow said she would talk to the property owner and see what we could work out, that maybe we could find someone who could do a half-lease, so she could get ridden during the week and I would still have the weekends, and the expenses would be less. OK, that's a great idea, except...the contract says I can't lease, sell or give her away to anyone else. I guess if it's their idea it's OK. I know, I know, that contract isn't worth the ink on the paper, I agree with you. This is just the first step in getting out of this, but based on my extreme emotional distress, I'm just not ready to completely walk away.

My aunt also recommended that I take some beginner dressage lessons, just for the technique and the grounding it offers, get my confidence back and get away from the hunter/jumper routine for a while. I checked out a barn on the way home from work today but it was way too far from everything and wasn't that great, it looked way better than it really was on their website (typical). At my group lesson tomorrow I will ask my other trainer if they have dressage lessons there. I can't afford to add another lesson until I figure something out with Missy, but I want to at least have an idea where I'm going when I can do it.

Menlo Horse Show Part III - Equines

2010-09-07T19:48:00.001-07:00

The Quilt

2010-08-29T10:42:00.000-07:00

As I pulled into the parking lot at the vet's office I passed a woman standing alone behind a pickup truck with the gate down. Her hair was wet and disheveled and she had on dark sunglasses that weren't necessary. I knew instantly that she was there to have her dog put down...the grief was radiating off of her. We carefully avoided eye contact as I got Aubrey out of the car and took her inside to get her nails clipped. While Aubrey was in the back the woman came into the waiting area and just stood there, unsure of what to do, whether to sit or stand. She kept her dark glasses on. Suddenly the exam room door opens and a large man with a gaunt face asks her to open the outer door. The man and the doctor struggle to lift and carry the body of what is obviously a very large dog, who is wrapped carefully in a lovely old quilt. My breath caught in my throat and instantly my eyes filled with tears. The woman came back into the office and handed her credit card to the doctor, a silent transaction. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was for her loss but I didn't want to intrude.

I wasn't prepared for the juggernaut of sadness those few seconds created, and I can't get the image out of my head. When they brought Aubrey back to me she jumped into my lap and kissed my cheek and I hugged her close to me, my tears dropping onto her head. I miss Bailey so much.

Art Deco

2010-08-22T10:50:00.001-07:00

I found these two paintings in an antique shop and just had to have them for my cottage. They are original oils from the 1950s.

Living at the cottage during the week and living at the house in the mountains on the weekends is a bit crazy-making. When I come back to the cottage on Sunday nights for a while it seems so small, so empty, so impersonal. The house is full of memories, pictures and trinkets and familiar things and feels lived-in and comfortable. After a day or so the cottage feels more like home but then it happens again the following weekend.

I replaced the screen door with a storm door and put a doggy door in it for Aubrey, so now she can go in and out during the day. My next project is the little patio. I'll take before and after pictures, right now it's really a mess and that's after I cut down the 6-foot weeds.

I'm working hard on finding a new job and have a couple of good prospects. Starting a new job is very stressful but I know I will be happier once the initial breaking in period is over.

I can feel myself slowly disengaging emotionally from my original barn and from Missy. I need to figure out my job situation before I make a decision on what to do about the horse situation, but I honestly can't imagine leaving things the way they are now. I can't afford to keep two trainers working with Missy while taking lessons at a different barn, and I can't make any progress just riding her on the weekends. The most important thing is to ensure that both Missy and I are happy and well taken care of, and the hard truth is that probably means we won't be together.

Menlo Horse Show Part II - Canines

2010-08-22T10:45:00.000-07:00

Menlo Horse Show Part I - Merchandise

2010-08-15T23:24:00.000-07:00

(Click to enlarge)

Bookends

2010-08-08T12:32:00.000-07:00

I've been holding out on you, trying to get a decent picture of this little guy, but so far this is the best I could do. Meet Independencion, Indy for short, born on the 4th of July. He's a Thoroughbred Andalusion cross and is the friendlist colt I've ever met. This is part of the problem, he won't get far enough away from the camera to get a good perspective. Also, I keep forgetting to bring my good camera to the barn; my point and shoot digital just doesn't satisfy me anymore.

The picture above was taken last weekend, this one was taken yesterday, he is growing like a weed! You can see how high his butt is here, and how sweet his tiny little feet are. His owners have big plans for him to be the next world champion hunter/jumper, but today he thwarted their every attempt to get a halter on.

This is Aura on his 27th birthday, also taken yesterday. A fullbred Arabian, he was quite the dressage competitor in his day, and now enjoys his retirement immensely.

There's a lot of wisdom and kindness in these eyes, don't you think? I love that this barn specializes in both babies and retired horses, it gives me a real way to see the full life cycle of these amazing creatures.

The World Spins Madly On

2010-07-31T22:26:00.000-07:00

I love The Weepies, and I feel a little bit like I'm hanging on for dear life on this wildly spinning world at the moment. But hanging on, I am.

To clarify my training situation, I'm now riding and taking lessons at my original barn (where Missy was born and lives) and at a new barn which is a 5 minute drive from my office. The only way I could ensure that I would be able to ride every week was to take this step, they have a pool of over 60 lesson horses and many different venues in which to ride, including covered arenas for when the weather is bad. It's a group lesson with 4 other women in my age range and skill level and we do different things every week. I needed to do this to maintain both my sanity and any kind of skill level I might have, since I cannot count on being able to ride on the weekends, the only time that I can make it to Missy's barn.

I understand no trainer has all the answers, and I have found that I am learning a lot from having another trainer, the problem is, my original trainer has literally known Missy her entire life (she's 11) and started her (twice). If anyone should know how to manage this mare, it's her, but for the life of me I can't figure out why she is so conservative and so cautious, as if Missy, given the chance, would stomp me to death. I know she has both of our welfare in mind but I am bored and Missy just keeps getting abcesses, hurting herself, and having mystery problems that prevent me from being able to ride her for long stretches of time. I love her dearly but owning her is like owning a Ferrari with a couple spark plugs missing.

I took a HUGE step this month to improve my situation and changed the one thing that I had complete control over: where I live. I've lived in a very rural area at the top of a mountain in the redwoods for the last 10 years. While it's beautiful and peaceful, it's also a 75-minute, 50-mile commute each way to my office, and half of that is on mountain roads. The isolation was also becoming an issue for me, and I needed to change something in my life in order to drag myself out of the ditch of unhappiness I found myself in. Serendipity played a part in me finding a lovely 1-bedroom cottage nestled behind a gorgeous main house in exactly the place I wanted to be, with manicured landscaping, a private enclosed patio, a dog run for Aubrey, hardwood floors, a huge bedroom and a wood-burning fireplace. At 750 square feet it feels just about right, my only complaint is the kitchen is really tiny, but I don't cook much so I decided I could learn to live with that.

I haven't had a 20-minute commute in 15 years and I am loving it. Other than a very short stint right after I left my ex, I've never lived alone and I'm having a lot of fun decorating and setting things up exactly the way that I want them.

I was very concerned that I would be excruciatingly lonely, but so far that hasn't been the case, probably because I have my little spitfire pup with me. She is so funny and energetic and loving! She also LOVES my new bed, as you can see. I'm not sure what's going to happen with the house in the mountains or how or when my husband and I will live together full-time again, but for now I make the trek up the mountain on Friday nights and head back to my Petit Trianon on Sunday night for the work week.

I'm not sure who this Donna is that has done these things this year...gone to Jordan on my own to spend a week with women I'd never met, found a new barn and a new trainer, and now, getting my own place, but I think I like her.

Chariot Race

2010-07-17T13:54:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't have thought that I would still be travelling at the same breakneck pace I was at the beginning of June, yet here I am, still barreling around in a circle, precariously careening around corners. [Photo taken at the ancient Hippodrome in Jerasa, Jordan.] Most of my daily struggle is at work, as it is for most of us, but this has been a particularly long and grueling six weeks. The more I am hand-slapped for making some sort of error, either in judgment or fact, the more mistakes I make. The more I'm told I need to adapt and get with the program, the less willing I am to do so. Maybe all that therapy is finally kicking in and my Inner Child is rebelling against what she perceives to be unfair. Maybe it just isn't good for anyone's psyche to feel diminished day after day. I am refocusing my energy towards changing my situation but alas, I seem to have a knack for searching when there are few opportunities.

My mare continues to be the source of sadness and anxiety as well. She's over her pulled shoulder muscle or whatever her latest injury was, but now we've taken four or five or six steps backwards and I am again wondering what our future holds. If I step back and look at the situation from a logical and unemotional viewpoint [*snort* - like I can really do that], it is obvious that I should give Miss back to the barn or have them help me find another owner or whatever the hell that pseudo-contract will allow me to do. I'm too often unable to ride her and even when I am, it's a frustrating or disappointing experience. After 3 1/2 years I don't think it's out of line to expect I should be completely solid with her at the walk, trot and canter, in and out of the arena, and working towards the next level in some discipline. Instead we walk and trot. And walk and trot. And walk and trot some more. We are really good at walk and trot and sometimes that's all I need. You get the picture. The problem is, I love her, and I think she loves me. I've spent so much time out of the saddle and have come to get as much out of grooming and ground work as I do from riding. It's the connection, the understanding of each other's personalities, the relationship that I don't want to give up.

At my lesson at the new barn this week I was given Katie to ride, a big warmblood flea-bitten gray mare. She has a reputation for being cranky but we get along great, and my trainer said with a wink that it looked like I'd found my new horse. Near the end of the lesson at the canter I hear her yell from across the arena, "Donna, your butt isn't even leaving that saddle -- I LOVE it!" For the first time in weeks, I hear myself think YAY ME.

Meanwhile, I am moving into my own Petit Trianon. More on that next time.

Doorway

2010-07-11T10:48:00.000-07:00

I've always loved doorways and have taken many photos of them in my travels, this one is in a little village of weavers in Jordan. There is inherent mystery in every door...what is behind it, who lives there, where does it lead. I have new doors and still have keys to old doors, it's all a bit of a labyrinth right now but I will find my way.

Meanwhile, at the barn, the consensus seems to be that Miss pulled her right front shoulder muscle. She's been on stall rest for two weeks and seems to be back to about 90%. She's ready to start short sessions on the lunge line but still isn't rideable. My mid-week lesson got cancelled this week so I haven't ridden in way too long, which isn't good for my psyche, riding is the only time when I can shut off all the voices and be in the moment.

Just Shoot Me

2010-06-26T10:58:00.001-07:00

Ever have one of those weeks where things just keep going wrong, no matter how hard you try?

It was my birthday on Tuesday and I'm struggling to wrap my head around the fact that I'm on the backside of my 40's. My work situation has deteriorated of late, to the point where it is affecting my physical as well as my mental well-being. I'm about to make one of those leaps of faith I spoke about and I have a lot of doubts and fears surrounding that. And just to top it off with a big cherry, my trainer called this morning to tell me that Missy came up lame this morning, after being really good all week and working well with both trainers. I just knew that she wouldn't be able to handle all this extra work. *sigh* Maybe tomorrow I can ride one of their lesson horses, I missed my own lesson on Wednesday.

Recently I attended the Western States Horse Expo in Sacramento, my first big expo. I'll leave you with some shots I took that day (click to enlarge).

Superman

2010-06-20T22:17:00.000-07:00

This is how I remember my Dad, handsome, athletic, funny and kind. That's me at six months old in front of Mom, my first Christmas. He's still funny and kind, and in my mind he is still Superman who could do endless pushups with my sister and I sitting on his back or lift me over his head horizontally like a barbell. I trusted him implictly, I never imagined for a second that he would drop me. And he never has. I love you, Dad.

One More Aubrey Pic

2010-06-14T18:23:00.001-07:00

While I work on a horsey post you can have a smile on me...there's nothing better than the dog beach on a sunny afternoon.

The Poodle Is Not Impressed

2010-06-08T22:27:00.000-07:00

Feel free to leave your own caption in the comments!

Cowgirl Up

2010-06-06T20:33:00.001-07:00

I'm not an English snob, that's just the only form of riding I've ever done. I would love to try out all kinds of different disciplines, who knows, maybe I'm the best barrel racer ever but just don't know it yet. I know I've only been riding for 4 years and have a lot of time left to try whatever I want, but now that I'm taking lessons at a barn where they offer diversity in their lesson program I'm seeing how much I've missed by having such a narrow focus. Recently I rode a western horse in a bareback pad (hey, might as well do two news things at once) and learned the differences between jogging and trotting and loping and cantering.

I agreed to let the trainer my barn uses to work with the babies set up a one-month boot camp for Miss. He is ponying her, taking her out of the arena down to a creekside area on the property and generally trying to get her more comfortable in different situations as well as working on the canter. My trainer is also riding her several times a week. I can only afford to do this for a month so I hope she stays sound for that long. I figure if she is more versatile and trustworthy it will be easier to find someone to either lease her, or, if I have to give her up, take over financial responsibility for her.

Spring didn't make much of an appearance here in northern California but summer seems to have arrived a little early. Beauty abounds.

Big changes are happening in my personal life and I'm not at all sure I'm making the right decisions, but I'm determined to stick to my guns and be a little selfish for once. I need to cowgirl up for a bit.

Dog & Pony Show

2010-05-24T15:19:00.000-07:00

I finally got the correct size bitless bridle and so far it's working pretty well. I do have greater control when steering left to right and more importantly, she isn't fighting it and throwing her head around. She's quite lovely, isn't she? In case you were wondering she's had that bump on her nose all her life, my trainer likes to say she tried to be a unicorn.

Here's an underside view as well. I've made at least an interim decision about Miss, I've decided to find a trainer off the property where she is now to take her for a month or so (depending on how much it costs) to do an independent evaluation of her and see if she can stand up to working five days a week. In hindsight this is something I should have done at the very beginning, even before signing the contract, but, better late than never I suppose. I hope this will accomplish a bunch of things at once: if she can handle the work she will come back much farther ahead than she would have if I had just let our trainer take her sweet time and only work her intermittently; if she comes back in great shape I can make a better determination if I want to keep her or not. If I decide not to keep her she will be easier to lease than she is now. If I decide to keep her it will be because I see the potential I don't see now. If she can't handle the work and comes back lame or injured, then I have an independent opinion that she should be retired. I asked my trainer to recommend someone to send her to, that way they can't say after the fact that the trainer I picked didn't know what they were doing.

I've also told my husband that I want to move. We've been living in a lovely rural area for the past 10 years, but it is a hard 75 minute commute to my office and I am isolated from my friends and from civilization in general. I know this is his idea of heaven but I think I deserve a compromise position after a decade of bearing the brunt of the sacrifices in order for him to live here. I also see this as a way to get out from under the debt that we've accumulated in the past few years while he was intermittently unemployed, sell the house and rent for a little while, build up a little nestegg and find the perfect home for both of us.

Aubrey is a little ray of sunshine, she's become the unofficial mascot of my department at work. She likes to have the highest vantage point possible, hence the perch on the picnic table. While she's on the leash (which is all the time at work), she's very quiet and well-behaved, but once you let her loose she's a whirling dervish until she works off all that pent-up energy. No matter how bad my day she can still make me smile.

Made It Through Another One

2010-05-09T22:18:00.000-07:00

I took this picture of a little girl at the Roman amphitheater in Amman, Jordan in March. She was so interested in our little group, western women with big cameras, she kept coming back to stand and look up at us in wonder again and again, her young mother apologizing in broken English. A simple moment that has stayed with me.

Every year I dread Mother's Day, there are so many ways that I am saddened by it. I have a sister and many friends who are mothers and I can celebrate for them, but only to a certain extent. For most of my life I completely rejected the idea of becoming a mother, terrified that I would be anything like my own and unable to risk subjecting an innocent to that. When I managed to get beyond that I was fighting my own biology and missed whatever open window I might have had. I know that I am very lucky and have a life that many envy, but there is always something missing, a feeling of failure and loneliness that is so deep it can overwhelm me, even five years after the end of the battle.

My relationship with my mother seems to be starting to improve ever so slightly, although I am only able to handle her in small doses still. I sent her a CD of my pictures from Jordan, she likes to boast about me and my travels to anyone who will listen, even though she would not usually say anything to me. Today when I made the obligatory call she surprised me by saying something to the effect that I had taken some fabulous pictures and she really enjoyed them. This is significant -- she didn't say I went to fabulous places, instead she gave me credit for the photography. A subtle distinction but one that was not lost on me.

Aubrey is doing great, I don't know who is luckier in this match, her or me. The only behaviour we need to work on is she gets defensive and will lunge and snap at Tucker when she feels he is either infringing on her space or her food. For a dog who was out on the streets fending for herself a few weeks ago she is remarkably trusting and sweet, I can't expect her to not have any issues. Both of us have taken turns bringing her to work and she's become very popular, making friends and impressing everyone with her personality and her manners. Although the feelings of dealing with the loss of Bailey are still raw, it does help to know we saved a life.

I continue to struggle with what to do about my mare. It's become clear, after nearly a year at my "new" job, that my schedule is not going to allow me to get down to my barn during the week. I think the best solution would be to find someone to lease her during the week, that way she could maintain the level of riding she needs to make progress and I could offset some of the costs of having to pay for lessons at another barn. Unfortunately, if you recall, my "contract" (and I use the term loosely) prohibits me from selling, leasing or giving her away. What do other owners do when their circumstances change and they can no longer ride their own horse?

A Noble Elf

2010-04-27T12:29:00.000-07:00

Meet Aubrey. That's what her name means, a noble elf. We adopted her on Saturday from our local SPCA. I have to admit she isn't what I was envisioning when I thought about getting a little dog but I couldn't be happier. She was a stray so we don't know anything about her, the vet estimated 3 years old and we think she's a Corgi/Jack Russell mix of some kind, less than 10 pounds. She is playful and calm in appropriate doses at the appropriate times, housebroken, confident, doesn't shed, knows her basic commands, is extremely friendly and cute as hell. None of these pictures really do her justice, I'll continue to try to capture her personality with my lens. I brought her to work with me yesterday and she was the perfect office dog. Much more on this little lady to come.

Dog-Eared

2010-04-20T13:19:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling a little jumbled this week, rather thread-bare, coming apart at the seams just a bit, my emotions very close to the surface and erupting often. Last weekend we took Tucker to our local animal shelter to see if there were any good candidates for adoption. We "interviewed" an 8 month-old shepherd/pitbull cross but it just wasn't a good match. Tucker completely ignored her and focused completely on us, while she completely ignored us and focused completely on him. Not exactly what we were looking for. As we start the process of getting another dog my emotions surrounding Bailey are resurfacing, still so raw. I'm sure the idea of saving a dog is a big part of my grieving process, since I couldn't save Bailey and wasn't even here to take care of him in his last days.

Both dogs were and are completely in love with my husband, while they just like me. You know what I mean: when I come home I get -- Oh hi Mom -- but when Daddy comes home its the most exciting thing ever!!! I try not take it personally, D deserves that devotion, but if we are going to get another dog I would like it to be, for one, smaller, and two, as much as possible, my dog. We may end up with another dog who adores him and likes me, and that would be OK, but it would be nice to have that kind of a reception too.

There are adoption fairs nearby for the next two weekends so I'm hopeful a little bundle of love with find their way to me soon.

Ranch Dressing

2010-04-17T20:19:00.000-07:00

My group lessons are going really well, I think. The property has been owned by the same family since 1922, some 230 acres of what is now some of the most expensive real estate in the country, near Stanford University. In addition to lessons and horse shows they grow organic produce and their farmers' market is about to open for the season -- I can't wait to shop before I ride. (Click to enlarge photos.)

I don't know this little Fjord's name yet but I was told he has a girl's name. Betty? Olga? He's very sweet and always willing to pose for photographs. To me he looks like a zebra hooked up with a stegosaurus, and I mean that in the most loving way possible.

He has such a cute little head and ears and lovely eyes.

But it's really about the mane, isn't it? He's the greeter at the ranch, the first horse you come to after a long meandering stretch past open pastures.

I just caught a glimpse of the pony himself, but I couldn't resist the sign.

I loved the grass grid in this empty stall.

This is Elianna, called Ellie, a five year-old Haflinger mare I've fallen for in a big way.

She looks a little cheeky here but she's really a giant puppy dog.

She wins the Big Hair Award for sure.

Ellie's halo profile.

Doesn't it look like Milo is smelling these irises in a planter box outside his stall?

The adorable Franny, Milo's next door neighbor.

The top end of the polo field. My trainer said she sometimes does her lessons in here. I am giddy thinking about not having to turn!

The geldings hang out at the other end of the polo field.

Here I am on last week's mount, Cruise. He was a bit lazy at first but once we got going he was great. I'm starting to get comfortable at the canter...hell, I think I'm getting addicted!

I really like this one, one of those accidental stop-motion shots. How's my position?

Small Change

2010-04-11T19:20:00.000-07:00

Artwork by Rodney White

Four of my travelling companions in Jordan also have blogs. Tara Bradford was our intrepid tour guide and mentor, I've been following Paris Parfait for quite a while now. Gillian da Silva is positivity embodied and eclectic at The Dreaming Press. Christine Mason Miller is inspirational and madly talented at Swirly Girl. Rebecca Self is crazy smart, teaching and saving the world at XpatAdventures. All of them and their blogrolls are introducing me to what I've come to think of as kinder, gentler blogging.

This is my third blog. The first chronicled my struggle with infertility, the second helped me through a couple of very dark years after I gave up my dream of having a baby and dealt with far too many blows to my psyche and my physical being. I decided to make it private when things got a little too intense and the separation between the blogosphere and real life became nearly non-existent. There are times when I feel like I need to write there again, in "my beautiful purgatory, a velvet cage"... times when my thoughts are too bleak and self-deprecating to put up here, but instead I turn to my friends for solace and understanding.

While writing both of these, many on my blogroll were in similar situations, and many were bitter, angry, hurting, disillusioned and downright snarky. It helped immensely to know that I wasn't alone in my pain and that I could be just as snarky and be accepted.

Transitioning into my current incarnation as a blogger with a specific theme, while still allowing me the freedom to post about just about anything, has opened my writing and photography to a new audience while retaining some long-time readers, the best outcome possible.

I'll be honest, sometimes I'm not in a space where I can digest inspiration and reasons why I should count my blessings, but eventually I can and I go back to those posts. I'm also trying not to share every little detail when it isn't necessary. This is a huge change especially from my infertility blogging days, when it was all about the intimate (and I mean intimate) details. During one of many trips in the van to another remarkable Jordan site, Christine said, it's not about exactly what happened, but instead, what I learned from it. Ah, wise one, I am your grasshopper.

So, I learn and grow and try. And I ride horses, every week. Next post will have pictures of some new friends, including a Norwegian Fjord and a Haflinger. I didn't even know these breeds existed five years ago. I learn.

Fresh Horses

2010-04-04T16:27:00.000-07:00

Photo credit: Robert Dawson

For the last three years I've been riding my mare exclusively. This has had many advantages: we've forged a strong bond, especially on the ground, and for the most part I have learned how to deal with her many idiosyncracies, moods and behaviors. However, since I had less than a year on different lesson horses prior to moving to Missy only, I have felt like I'm not so much learning to ride as much as I am learning how to ride her. Now that I've had three lessons on three different horses with a new trainer I can really see the benefits of this plan. I've been spending a lot of time focusing on my leg and now all of a sudden the focus in on my hands. Just a few simple adjustments have made a huge difference, things I didn't even realize I was doing that had become bad habits. Last week I was on a big flea-bitten gray draft cross named Griffin, a sweet old guy in his mid-20s at least. I'm used to big and big strides so I felt quite comfortable, even at the canter and even though I'm in a group of four. Then our trainer decides we should switch horses. Whaaaaaaa? I've never done this before. She puts me up on the smallest horse of the group, a fat QH mare with a pony stride. After a few circles of cardio-posting I ask her to canter and she bolts into it and throws me forward over her neck, and she has no neck! I had to pull back again and again to the trot, I just could not get my balance. *sigh* I guess that's why it's called a lesson.

I've looked at the classifieds a few times in the last couple of weeks but my heart isn't in it, so I guess by default I will continue to work with Missy. My trainer wants us to give it until the end of the summer and reassess at that point. She is really making an effort, something she should have done long ago, but at this point I'm willing to play along. She's sound and healthy for the time being, but that's always been the problem...we are going great and then something comes up and she's down for a few weeks or a few months, then we have to start over from two or three or four steps back. Willow (my trainer) and I are on the same page I think, she's said more than once that she isn't sure that Missy can handle the consistent hard work it will take to keep her ridable, physically. She says Missy will either be broke to ride or she'll be broken and they will retire her.

I received the Dr. Cook's bitless bridle I ordered but the regular horse size is a bit too small. It sits too far down her nose and the chin strap is on the very last hole, so I'm going to send it back and get the oversized. Hopefully by then the reins will also be here -- when I ordered the website said they were both in stock but the receipt says the reins aren't scheduled to ship until April 22.

Hard to believe it's been a month since I was in Jordan and since we lost Bailey. I'm still digesting both events and will be posting more pictures and thoughts as I sort them out for myself.

Ovine Gridlock

2010-03-28T20:12:00.000-07:00

On the way to Madaba, Jordan. Drivers don't pay much attention to human pedestrians, but goats, sheep or camels crossing (or in this case, taking up the whole street) force even the most impatient commuters to put it in park and watch and listen. I bet there are amazing things you're missing on your commute because your thoughts are already at the office.

Vignette: Petra Cats

2010-03-22T21:01:00.000-07:00

I was in the right place at the right time to catch these adorable antics of identical orange tabby cats in front of the Treasury in Petra.

Evoking Magic

2010-03-20T19:59:00.000-07:00

There are just a handful of places in the world that instantly create an image of exotic beauty and eternal mystery by their name alone. Glastonbury Tor. Machu Picchu. Angkor Wat. Petra is one of these places and it did not disappoint. I was excited to find out that a horse ride was included with the price of admission. My dream of traversing the desert landscape astride a bejeweled Arabian was almost in my grasp. Just inside the gate was a multi-level stable complex housing the working horses of the ancient city. Three Arabians stand at the ready, waiting for their next job. Immediately I can see that the reality of the situation is not going to exactly match my Lawrence of Arabia-esque inner movie. First clue: no bridles or reins. As you can see, I did indeed ride an Arabian in Petra, but only in the sense that I was sitting on a horse in a saddle while he was led by a gentleman down a gentle hill. This trek took less than 10 minutes but I was happy to get my fix. (Photo credit: Gillian da Silva)

As far as I could tell, every horse in Petra was a purebred Arabian, absolutely suited for the heat, terrain and marathon duties of the tourist trade. At every opportunity I was wandering away from the group to take pictures of the many animals that called Petra home. Not to take anything away from the stunning natural formations and incredible works of art that make up the ancient city, but it was the life that was drawing my eye.

This picture has been taken many thousands of times, the first vertical glimpse of the Treasury from the Siq, the meandering mile-long crack in the sandstone mountains that leads you into the Nabatean city. This was actually the second time I had stood here, but it was no less impressive than the first. The day before we were there with many other visitors, being jostled by countless amateur photographers not paying attention to where they are walking as they stumbled on the uneven cobblestones. It's hot. It's dusty. We'd been walking for a long time. Suddenly, none of that mattered as The Moment We Had Been Waiting For was upon us and we all stopped to listen to the beating of our hearts and savor the view that changed and widened with each step.

The camels were the perfect touch, placed strategically for added effect. It's quite shocking, the scale, the color, the details. Thinking of the skill and time required to carve these buildings out of solid sandstone in the 1st century BC is humbling.

Feeling very small indeed, here I am posing in front of the fifteen story facade.

There were many friendly and quite lovely little cats in Petra, intelligently gathering where they would get the most handouts from adoring visitors. This is one of my favorite shots of that day: gorgeous rock face, old wooden bench and sweet white kitty.

I heart camels. I didn't think I would, having the preconceived notion that they spit, were ornery, smelly and generally unpleasant creatures. Without exception, every camel we saw in Jordan was quite lovely, personality wise. They're so ugly they're cute. They are also very, very tall, more giraffe than llama.

I had never met any of my fellow travellers on this trip, our only connection was our tour manager, the amazing Tara Bradford. A sense of adventure, a love of travel and wanting to become better photographers was our throughline, but very quickly I think we could all sense that something very special had occured -- we were friends, good friends, people who cared about each other, who were supportive, vulnerable and incredibly funny in a constant rotation. We would all spill out of the van at each destination wearing our cameras like diamond necklaces and take pictures of the same subjects, yet now that we are sharing them in a collective we see the many different ways that we saw the same things. This little donkey caught my eye, again, there's something about finding life in the nooks and crannies of sand, wind and rain-painted rock that is so compelling to me. Plus he's just darn cute.

These carriages were constantly roaring up and down the Siq carrying unwitting tourists. The drivers would push the horses to a full gallop along the rocky and sometimes very narrow path, making me wonder how many collisions per day happen. It seems like a wonderful and sublime way to avoid the uphill trek back out of the city, but we saw many people holding on for dear life lest they be bumped out of the buggy entirely.

Click on the photos to enlarge, and stay tuned for many more pictures and stories from Jordan. As you would expect, getting a glimpse of how a simpler people live, their unbridled generosity and their love of country and its traditions, has had an effect on me, as it has on all of us who were there. My high-stress corporate job seems trivial and quite silly at times, but it pays for the important things. I am finding solace and purpose in my riding, in the relationship between me and the horse, whether that be Missy or a lesson horse. I had my first group lesson this week and, while it was a little unnerving to be careening around the arena with three other horses, I had fun and know that was a good decision, to ensure that every single Wednesday I WILL ride. Consistency is what I really need.

Back in my normal routine, the heartache of the loss of Bailey is cushioned by the unconditional love and irrepressable spirit of Tucker. Still having a dog in the house has been incredibly comforting, and he is just so silly and sweet you can't help but laugh. We laughed so much in Jordan, it's really what made it possible for me to stay in the moment and drink in the experience.

The Kingdom

2010-03-13T10:37:00.000-08:00

The Pillars of Hercules at the Citadel, Amman Jordan

I've been trying to write this post for almost a week now. Last Sunday, as I sat alone in a hotel room 7,000 miles from home, our beautiful Bailey lost his battle with cancer. All week I had seen amazing and wondrous sites, but they are all filtered through the lens of doubt and grief...I hope in time to be able to fully appreciate the experience, but right now I am overwhelmed. I was getting to the point before the trip of wanting to change everything in my life, to start anew, but now I feel the need to hold onto everything, lest I lose something else. I know this will pass. My time in Jordan was the the most inspiring and heartbreaking week of the last decade. I will try to share it with you in the coming weeks. I will always be grateful for the newfound friendships of my travelling companions; all of them immensely intelligent, spirited, successful, compassionate, driven and funny. Shukran my sisters.

Travel & Tragedy

2010-03-01T13:21:00.000-08:00

This is our beloved Bailey at one of his favorite places on the planet, the dog park. He's been slowing down of late and had a vet appointment set for Tuesday. Sunday morning at 4:30 my husband took him down to the emergency vet because his breathing was so laboured. A chest x-ray showed his lungs are nearly a solid mass, he has terminal lung cancer. At this point, at this advanced stage and the fact that he's nearly 11 years old, the vet isn't recommending any treatment, just gave us pain meds and said to make him as comfortable as possible. We had no idea. We are devastated. A few minutes after they got back from the vet with the news we had to leave to get me to the airport to leave for Amman. I'm trying to get excited about this amazing opportunity but my heart is at home. All I can do is hope that he will hold on until I get home.

We Interrupt this Horse Blog

2010-02-27T19:53:00.001-08:00

For the next several posts I'll be blogging about my imminent trip to Jordan. This is the capital city, Amman, my base of operations for the next week. My suitcase and camera bag are packed and I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I've been alternating between thinking I've bitten off way more than I can chew, going so far outside my comfort zone, and thinking I'm all that and a bag of chips for the same reason.

My lesson on Wednesday went fairly well, I was really nervous. Different barn, different saddle, different horse, different trainer, everything was so foreign. We were using one of their covered arenas, the surrounding area was dark and I was riding under lights for the first time. The trainer is an endurance rider and a triathlete, in other words, a crazy person! I liked her, she said I had good position and just needed some reminders on the technical stuff. I haven't ridden in 5 or 6 weeks, I lost count, and the riding I have been doing has been anything but technical. I told her I've been happy just to be on my horse at all. I stuck around after my lesson and met some of the ladies in her group lesson, they all seemed nice and I had to agree that I should fit in well as far as ability goes. Not that it matters, but I'd say I was the second best rider of the four. I'm going to ask for at least one more, maybe two, private lessons before I join the group. We didn't canter during the lesson and I want to get some more time in the saddle before I have to think about traffic. I like the new barn for its wide range of riding opportunities and types of venues, but I don't think I would want to board there, the facilities for the horses are old and small. I've been spoiled by my barn in that regard. But, it would make a lot more sense to board at a barn close to work instead of close to home. There are so many variables in play, I really have no idea how this will all work out, but I do know it will, because I need to ride.

Missy's abcess finally broke early this week and she was able to go out in turnout with her sister and graze a bit. I went down there today to visit and she was in a mood. I realize she's been stuck in her stall for a few weeks, and its rainy and cold, but that's no excuse for bad manners. Maybe I will feel different when I can finally get on her back, but at the moment I'm feeling rather disconnected from her.

I'm going to focus on staying in the moment during the trip, so I don't miss anything or waste the precious short time I have to spend in this exotic place worrying about the future.

Vivo aqui --literally translated from the Spanish "I live here", but more broadly interpreted as "live here - right here - in this moment". Its my new motto.

Rainy Sunday

2010-02-21T14:52:00.001-08:00

Yesterday the rain held off so my husband and I went to a local ranch to look at the horses they had for sale, mostly just for fun, to see what's out there and to take pictures with my new camera. They are mostly a consignment Western barn so the expectations were fairly low, and they met them handily. For some reason they had many drafts and draft crosses, including several Gypsy Vanners. I have a soft spot for drafts, I'm not sure why, I've never been on one, but most of them seem like big teddy bears and there is something very attractive about that. We took a little closer look at a cute little Appy, but she's only been under saddle for 6 months, only been ridden Western, never been on a trail ride and is scared of the saddle. Of course this was not what it said in the ad!

Here's an ad from a different local barn, this is a 9 year-old half-Friesan gelding, 16.1hh, ridden English, Western and on trails. See, now I really like the looks of this guy.

Here's another gelding I like the looks of from the same barn, an Andulusian cross, also 9, 16hh and also ridden in all three disciplines that interest me. I'm not going to jump into anything but I am having fun shopping.

I went to my barn in the late afternoon yesterday to see Missy, she is still suffering with an abcess that is being stubborn, it still hasn't broken. I had a good discussion with my trainer and told her about setting up lessons at the barn close to the office and perhaps joining a women's group lesson once I got comfortable. She is still wanting us to give it until the end of the summer before I make a decision, but for the first time she mentioned that maybe the owner might agree to retire Missy if we can't get her to where I want her. I'm trying to just take things one step at at time. For now I am looking forward to being able to ride consistently one evening a week. I'll do one lesson this Wednesday then I am off to Jordan for a week, but I was told there would be a horse (or camel) riding opportunity in Petra so I can keep my consistency program going. What do you guys think of these two geldings?

Safety First

2010-02-17T19:52:00.000-08:00

One of the things that is so very confusing to me is the whole issue of how safe Missy is. I mentioned before that she quite often gets a shot of Ace before I ride, this is more common in the winter months when she hasn't had the ability to be in turnout during the day and/or hasn't been lunged or ridden for more than a few days. I have always been extremely opposed to this practice but was led to believe that this is common and at some barns this is routine.

In the three years since I've owned her, she's never bucked, reared, or otherwise tried to unseat her rider. She's never kicked or bitten and the farrier loves her. She stands calmly while I groom her, pick out her feet, and tack her up, I never put her in cross ties. She is a little annoyed when I cinch up the girth but nothing major. She's pulled back three or four times, in all cases for a good reason (something scary or sudden). She bolted once when I was riding her, she spooked at an out of control horse in the round pen next to her, and I was able to stop her after a few seconds. On the lunge line she sometimes bucks a few times and can shift into what I call second gear: a low, extremely fast gallop, but not for long.

I've had children as young as 2 hug her neck and little 8 year-old girls brush her, she loves kids and is very gentle with them. She walks next to me on a loose lead like a big dog and stops when I stop. She did have a bad habit of not standing at the mounting block (which is how I fell and broke my shoulder), but with just a little focus on training she will now stand and wait quietly until I ask her to walk on. She is very spooky outside the arena, not of other animals, but get her next to a tree and she is a nervous wreck.

What makes her difficult to ride is she is very forward, she wants to go as fast as you will allow her to go, even at the walk. Sometimes she is too amped to walk and I have to keep stopping her and making her stand until its my idea to move forward. It can be a challenge to get her to pick up the trot quietly and she can move sideways and throw her head a bit. Once at the trot she can get very fast and I have to constantly use the half-halt to keep her from cantering. Her trot is very big and smooth, like riding a big couch, but her canter is very choppy. She has a hard time picking up the right lead to the left and wants to go too fast, but when you ask her to pull back a little she will fall back into the trot. She's better to the right but her canter is so big that in the arena you are pretty much always turning. I've never galloped on her. I was just starting to get comfortable at the canter when I fell, and in the six months since I've been back in the saddle I've only cantered a few times on a lunge line.

So, what am I to think? She has her moments but for the most part she has good ground manners and is hot but not naughty in the saddle. I ride her in a hackamore because anything in her mouth causes irritation due to the confirmation of her teeth and she can't concentrate on what you are asking her to do because she is too focused on her mouth. Other riders say things like, "she's not the easiest horse to ride", and "I would never ride her, she's too much horse for me", yet she was safe enough for me to get on after riding for 10 months? So is it my lack of training and ability, or hers? A little of both, I suspect.

I'm going to look at several horses at a local ranch on Saturday. I like that they have a few to choose from and that they offer a 30 day trial period. I'm not at all sure that I'm ready to buy another horse right now but I want to see what's out there. I also set up lessons once a week at a huge sprawling property near my office, so I can get my feet back under me and get my confidence back. They have a lot of horses to lease there as well, which may end up being a good idea. I was opposed to leasing at my barn because there weren't any horses there that I would want to ride on a consistent basis and its become obvious that getting there during the week is nearly impossible.

The picture above is one of the many beautiful open fields at the new ranch. They have many different types of places to ride, including a huge grass polo field, trails through light woods and loops around the property on wide dirt paths. The buildings are old and some I would even say were ramshackle, but the stalls are clean and the horses all look healthy and well-taken care of. I'm looking forward to my lesson next Wednesday but also more than a little nervous. At this point I have no idea what my skill level really is.

Hard Choices

2010-02-13T21:39:00.000-08:00

This past week has been an emotional rollercoaster and I have been down many paths. I'm not exactly sure how all of this will pan out but I do know this: Missy isn't the right horse for me. I haven't been having any fun with her, just a lot of frustration and anxiety.

I have been struggling with this decision for a while now. I love my mare to pieces but after three years I am still struggling and we really haven't made any progress since I got back on her after I broke my shoulder last year, which has been six months. Most of the time my trainer gives her Ace just so she is safe enough for me to ride her. I have a very strong objection to that, but I guess they have a liability issue to think about.

I took ownership of her when her last owner moved away and couldn't take her with them. She was born at my barn and they didn't want to sell her, so they gave her to me and I took over her board. In exchange they got her back under saddle (she hadn't been ridden in a couple of years), comped my lessons and helped me a great deal. This is all within six months of me starting to ride from scratch! The deal I thought I made was, if it didn't work out I could give her back but I couldn't sell her. More on the contract in a minute.

She has two full sisters on the property and they are both unrideable for long periods of time for different reasons, one for temperament and the other for lameness issues. So I have that to look forward to. I almost gave her up about a year ago, but then in March I fell at the mounting block and broke my left shoulder, then she got a very bad leg infection and was down almost as long as I was. We just never really recovered from all that down time. I am bored in the arena and Miss is too spooky to ride anywhere else. I want to be able to ride somewhere and back, A to B, instead of in a circle.

Having made this heart-wrenching decision to give her back so I could move forward and get a different horse, I sent my trainer an email telling her the high level points and we spoke on the phone the next day. She felt strongly that now was not the time to give up, we hadn't had any consistency due to weather and my schedule, all the while sounding very positive and promising to put in the time and effort necessary to make this happen. I tried to tell her, choking back the tears, that I could not make the time commitment of the several days a week (plus weekends) that it would take to get us back to where we were before the accident. She didn't seem to be hearing anything I said, so the best I could do was to tell her I needed to think about it and hung up the phone before the sobbing took over.

I spent the next few days finding what I thought were good candidates for my next horse, only to be told that each one had issues that would make them bad choices, shaking my confidence even further. I do appreciate the expert opinions I have received, don't get me wrong, its just hard to hear "you don't want this".

During the conversation with my trainer she was saying how difficult it was to find a good home for a horse you care about and I'm thinking -- that's your problem, not mine -- but it did seem strange to me that she even mentioned that. The next morning I re-read my contract and understood her remarks. What the contract actually says is -- if she becomes injured or unrideable they will take her back and retire her; and if she turns out not be the right horse for me they will help me find another home for her. So I have a horse that needs more work than I have the skill or time to train, who is often unsound, who I am financially responsible for without the ability to lease or sell. I think that is the definition of screwed. I know that I willingly signed this contract, but I find it unconscionable that they would pair a green rider with a green horse, let alone set up a situation where I took care of their problem but I ended up with no out, even though it seemed like a no-brainer safe bet for me. Both my husband and I both remembered the deal the same, that I could give her back, but of course all I have now is the piece of paper with our signatures on it.

I went down to the barn today and it was uncomfortable to say the least. My trainer tells me about a TB/QH gelding owned by another trainer for sale that is bomb-proof, blind in one eye but otherwise healthy, ridden mostly Western but didn't seem to care about the English saddle the one time she rode him. She was going to present him as a candidate for the husband of another owner but would hold off on doing that if I wanted to take a look at him. I couldn't believe my ears -- she was literally talking about a husband-safe horse. I told her I didn't think I needed a beginner horse, a dead-broke petting zoo pony but she didn't really say anything in response.

Now I'm totally confused. I thought I was a decent rider. Not great by a long shot but she's been telling me for three years I was doing well. So either she's been lying to me or she doesn't understand what I am looking for.

I think I need to step away from my barn and my trainer a little bit and get a second opinion. The only way to get my confidence back is to be able to ride, and the only way I'm going to be able to do that with any consistency is to take lessons at a barn close to where my office is. I'm going to check out a place on Monday, so wish me luck.

Countdown to Jordan

2010-02-07T17:54:00.001-08:00

Three weeks from today I leave for a week in Jordan, you can check out the details here. Its a photography tour and in preparation I bought this little beauty this weekend. I'm afraid I will be woefully out of my league as far as photography skills are concerned, looking at the talents of the other ladies on the trip, but it is supposed to be a learning vacation. In any case I couldn't show up without a decent camera.

Today was my only opportunity to ride this week as yesterday it was raining yet again, but unfortunately Miss was off on the right hind. I decided to tack her up and see what she could do but she felt so off, even at the walk, that after a few minutes I gave up, washed the mud off her legs and put her away. My trainer was congratulating me on being able to feel that there was something wrong, that a lot of seasoned riders have no idea their horses are lame until someone tells them. I can't imagine being so oblivious to the difference in how your horse is moving...I guess I'm learning.

Going Bitless

2010-02-01T19:17:00.000-08:00

Does anyone have any experience with a bitless bridle? I ride Miss in a hackamore, which you can see in both pictures I've previously posted, but when she's in one of her moods it just isn't enough. She is basically unrideable in a bit, she tosses her head and fights you at every step and it just ends up not being worth it. It made a huge difference switching to the hackamore but now I am finding I need a little more leverage, especially if we are ever going to canter successfully again. I've done a little bit of research and Dr. Cook's (pictured here) seems to be the favorite among those who have tried various types. My trainer wants to try a mechanical hackamore but I don't want to use something that could hurt her, that's why we stopped using a bit in the first place! Your vast and varied experience is needed, once again.

Silent Sunday

2010-01-31T17:36:00.001-08:00

At its finest, rider and horse are joined not by tack, but by trust. Each is totally reliant upon the other. Each is the selfless guardian of the other's very well-being.

Author Unknown

Better Late than Never

2010-01-28T12:02:00.000-08:00

This is actually my favorite picture of me and Missy. I know it has a Christmas theme and the holidays are over, but really, couldn't we all use a little Christmas, right this very minute?

Beautiful Huntress

2010-01-26T21:10:00.000-08:00

Missy is short for Artemis, the name her original owner gave her. Its a fine name, the Greek goddess of forests and hills, childbirth, virginity, fertility, and the hunt, but nobody ever called her that. As with most horses, her barn name is the only name she knows. I guess I'm as guilty as everyone else, I chose the "show name" Mystere (French for mystery, not after the Cirque du Soleil show) on the day I took ownership of her, but I very rarely utter that beautiful word. She is definitely headstrong and feisty, but has a loving heart and a willing spirit, like the goddess. This week is our third anniversary together and I'm still discovering the mysteries she has to offer.

Miss's older (middle) sister's full name is Serengeti, which is a lovely thing but not a very lovely word, her barn name is Sera. She's a big dark bay, a little taller than Miss at 16.2, with one white sock. She had her first filly two years ago, her owners thought that would calm her down a bit but it didn't work. She is even hotter than Missy and gets ridden rarely. If her owners had the time to really work with her she would come around, I'm sure. The oldest of the three sisters is named Somerset and that's what she's called. She belongs to the owner of the barn and has the best stall on the property. She's a beautiful light chestnut, the most gentle and sweet-natured of the three, but has serious soundness issues and can only be ridden occasionally. I still don't have a picture of the three sisters together, one of these days I'm going to have to set up a photo op.

How did the horses in your life get their names?

Back To The Drawing Board

2010-01-24T21:35:00.001-08:00

Its time once again for a new blog. This is where I will write about my beautiful Thoroughbred mare, Mystere (Missy), and other barn-and-riding-related stuff. I'm sure I will throw other stuff up here too, whatever strikes my fancy, but I will try to keep it mostly about things equine.

Still tinkering with the new design, I will try to fix the comments issue tonight.

UPDATE: I believe I have fixed the comments issue!